Category: Let's talk
So, I’ve been thinking a lot about regret lately. Maybe it’s because I’m reaching the half-century mark this year. In some ways fifty years seems like such a long time, but really in the grand scheme of things, it’s nothing. Nonetheless, I’ve been thinking about some of the mistakes I’ve made since my early twenties and wondering where my life would’ve gone had I taken a different path. If I had to say, my biggest regret in life is law school. Oddly enough, it’s not so much that I regret initially going. Rather, I regret staying when I knew that quitting was the right path to take. Instead of quitting, though, I allowed myself to be talked into doing something that I had grown to hate. Yes I graduated, but it was the most hollow victory of my entire life. I worked as an attorney, but I can honestly say that the suit didn’t fit. I view my years as an attorney as years I can’t get back, and I readily admit that if I had the ability to do so, I’d go back in time and fix that mistake.
That said, I was wondering what thoughts you folks had. If you could go back and fix the one mistake in your life, what might it be? How might things be different now if you could re-work a particular part of your life? Do you still harbor regrets, bitterness or anger at the road not taken? Love to hear your responses.
I'm not sure it was a mistake, but I do wonder what would have happened if I had stayed at the school for the blind and not transferred to a public high school after the eighth grade. It was a silly thing that made me want to transfer. My oldest brother graduated from high school after my sixth grade year. It was going to his huge high school graduation that made me decide I wanted that sort of large graduation ceremony some day, not a small class of 10 or 12 students graduating in a small auditorium with not much pomp and circumstance.
So, if I hadn't transferred, would I have remained friends for the rest of my life with my old blind school friends? Looking back, those were the best friends I've ever had. Would I have still gone to college, and if so, would it have been a different college? Yeah, I would love to go back and change that decision and see how my life would have turned out.
I honestly don't think about what could've been, nor do I have any regrets about anything, in life.
I personally feel that I've learned from what I've done/what I've been through, even circumstances that were really dark periods.
everything hasn't been great, by any means; far from it, in fact. however, I do the best I can, with what I'm dealt, and I'm realistic enough to admit that there are often experiences where the only positive thing that can be said, is the fact there are supportive people in one's life.
I probably have some, but choosing to think about that just encourages misery and I'd really rather not do that. OK, I had a couple of sad and lonely decades in my life, but if I had turned out differently I would have never met the people I appreciate in my life now. So I think I'd really rather think about what I appreciate in the now rather than regret my past. That's past and I'm glad it's done with.
I regret not getting myself expelled from the school for the blind on purpose.
This guy and I used each other and fucked each other over. I wish I would have gotten my shot in first.
You know, looking back, there really are very few things I would change.
I guess one of the things I would change is the girl I married.
But in some ways she and I were good for each other. She was strong when I was weak; I was diplomatic, where her mouth often got us into trouble.
When we got divorced it was at her insistence, and, following the misery of divorce, I have never been happier.
So, if I had things to do over again, I'd probably do it again even knowing the misery we would give to each other.
What a thought provoking topic. Thanks for starting it off JohnD.
Bob
I'm not even gonna bother with the marriage bullshit. Live together, that's all.
Naw, it's too easy to walk away.
Bob
That last one particularly resonates with me. Getting married to the person I married was the second biggest mistake, but if I had to live my life over again and choose which one of the mistakes I was to make, that would be the one I would repeat. I learned a lot of valuable lessons from it, and she’s still someone I care about. I have good memories of our time together, whereas in law school and while I was an attorney, I have virtually no happy memories. It’s also interesting that posts 2 and 5 have vastly different opinions about their residential school experiences.
I am with Chels on this one.
I have made mistakes in my life, sure, but I've learnt from them all.
But what of the costs in learning them? Any regrets about those, if any?
The words "it might have been" are pretty sad ones, as some poet claimed, I'm sure a lot of you have heard the verse I'm referring to. This is why I flatly refuse to walk down that road not travelled. It's a mind movie, a fantasy, and you know full well those things look better in the mind than on paper in the light of day. There are always trade-offs, there's always a catch, there is no perfect outcome. I know either society or human nature encourages this mulling-over of regrets, but I'd really prefer not to, as the man said. I would rather be the ornary rebel and appreciate the right here and now of solid three-dimensional reality because like it or not, this is what I have. That greener grass over in the other guy's yard may conceal unwanted things.
There are all sorts of "what if" books written about alternative historical outcomes. For example, what would have happened if JFK had not been assasinated? What would have happened if Hitler had never existed? I could go on and on. But my point is, I don't think there is anything wrong with wondering occasionally how your own life might be different if you had made a different dicision. I am certainly not letting the fact that I chose to attend public high school rather than continuing at the school for the blind ruin or affect my life. It's just fun to wonder sometimes.
I think at some point we all have those what if kind of moments. To say you have no regrets is kind of silly.
I think there are two different things at play here:
Wondering about the road not taken, so to speak, is a natural part of life. Someone who was in a fatal car accident, for example, would occasionally wonder what if they had left work 5 minutes earlier or later, without necessarily feeling guilt about anything.
There's also a difference between a natural curiosity about "what if I went to college instead of going into the work force?" and regretting making that choice.
Also, there's a difference between regretting something BAD that you've done and wishing you had made life easier on yourself by doing XYZ differently (usually gained with 20/20 hindsight).
Those who have no regrets about bad things they've done are psychotic; those who don't learn from unwise - though not evil - decisions are frustrating to behold; and those who make choices where all options are ambiguous - neither good nor bad - will occasionally wonder curiously about "what if". Perhaps that "what if" is fleeting when thinking of an old high school friend, or the favorite job you left in favor of going to school, or the college courses you took instead of others.
Kate
Regrets? Yes.
I am actually in the middle of something right now, that I wonder how it might have panned out had I done it sooner.
For years, honestly it was for the sake of my family more than anything, I tried to reconcile theism with reality. I read nearly every Christian apologetic and work of Christians who are scientists. But there are some improbables that never got solved. I'm not a believer, and to be honest I guess I was never one in the fundamentalist sense, even though I did go through the ritual of a sinner's prayer and a baptism. And did not do so deceitfully.
I'm not sure yet how much I regret, or which I regret. Towards the end, I went along out of the Wife's belief that the father's influence in these matters was of paramount importance. I was certainly no patriarch, and found that whole charade to be ludicrous, if appropriate in certain cultural situations in Florida.
More often than not, I found myself functioning as an anthropologist does: the active observer.
My exit was not a decision to exit, it was a realization that I already had, and for quite some time. The more I read of their apologetics, and their bible itself, the more implausible the whole thing sounded. The more it sounds like an extremely elaborate hoax, dependent solely on gaps that we have not yet filled in, but are rapidly doing so. I found I had probably commited their unpardonable sin, that is the inability to believe any of it. And the realization that I quite possibly never had. You can't make yourself believe. That is what we call 'make believe'. You become convinced. And we have all become reasonably convinced of something, only later to become unconvinced later on by new evidence, sometimes evidence that was supposed to convince you. Happens all the time in the world of science and engineering.
Ironically, now I have a far easier time around their discussions than I did when I was in such internal turmoil, which was the sum total of my experience as a purported believer.
Not to turn this into yet another religion debate. But I sympathize with a gay person who tried honestly and in good faith to live straight, although it seems the means and motivations for coming out are quite different.
Regret? I don't know yet. I definitely don't want to jeopardize or damage family relationships by my exit. Unlike many fundamentalists, I am simply not that one-dimensional, and I never was. Ironically, now I can more easily play the role of active observer, and in good faith, not trying to always convince myself and look for evidence under every rock for things that simply haven't been making sense for years.
But Kate is right: we all regret some things. Only the psychotic would regret nothing.
And I find this topic and exercise useful, as well as interesting. If you find something you regret, and can pinpoint a pattern that led to it, you can simply select to not do the same thing again next time. There's never a 'next time' for the exact event, but the principles learned always carry forward.
So in this situation, I look to past times when I have jumped the gun, or when I was younger, got all excited about some find at work only to have it flop under scrutiny. I'm prepared to take my time about this, and to preserve relationships with people I love. People that at 3 in the morning, when your thoughts are your own, I knew full well I would never love less than an invisible being I could not see, as their teachings would have it. I can do it a lot better now that I am no longer in this turmoil inside.
Great topic.
Godzilla, in physics there is something called the multiverse theory which states there may be multiple universes and more created all the time.
Some science fiction writers have speculated that every time we make a decision, a new universe is created where the decisions not chosen are chosen instead.
James Gunn is the main science fiction writer with this proposition.
What I am saying is, don't bemoan those who have regrets, or you will create a new universe where you have many regrets.
Bob
also, don't say that those of us who have no regrets are psychotic, or whatever other negative conatations people have used.
it's understandable that I, along with those who share my view, are rare, but I wouldn't say it, if I didn't mean it/live it.
The sense of wonder that oftentimes makes me question the choices I’ve had to make leads me down paths in my mind I really don’t wish to travel. Such as the moment I nearly caved in to peer pressure which could have easily earned me a life sentence.
Throughout life I’ve had to make numerous difficult decisions under extreme pressure. It’s unmistakable that a person doesn’t truly know who they are or what they stand for until he or she is tested.
I’m grateful none of the choices I made at a young age led to death or something worse. We’ve all been misguided or have done our own share of misleading. Meeting up with friends from my past whose lives, by comparison to mine, are stagnant or chaotic has helped me recognize multiple blessings in disguise. And yet I acknowledge the many times I fooled them or pressured them into doing stuff that probably wasn’t beneficial.
So though I do have regrets over things done or said, I tend to use them for good. I’ve had failures and have committed mistakes that strengthened me and taught me what I know now. The diminishing pain that comes with these regrets keeps me in line and ensures I won’t retrace my steps. We all refer to these experiences to impart an important life lesson or instruct someone who’s naive, though we seldom succeed.
I think a huge part of regret lies in how we view and value time. Some prisoners can spend years in their cell never visited by bitterness or regret for the loss of their place outside so long as they live moment by moment, seeing one second of time in their former life as a whole lifetime, and speak of the dullest of experiences as though it were part of their glory days. They embrace every inch of road and millisecond that they’ve breathed because it’s all they have and who they are.
I suppose we’re all inclined to adopting coping mechanisms such as those surgeons likely use when a patient dies. There comes a point where we understand that we don’t possess god-like powers to exercise control over every small detail.
As an adult I’m sure there lay ahead many more errors with which I’ll cope. But I like to hope that life at this point has shaped and taught me enough to refrain from self-torment and bitterness.
Chelsea, try reading a whole sentence instead of cherry-picking the parts you don't like:
Those who do not regret BAD THINGS they've done are psychotic.
I never once said that those who don't regret are psychotic, full stop. Perhaps a form of regret is picking yourself up, learning from an impulsive, hurtful, or heartless action toward someone else, and having the self-realization to discern what lead to it and avoid repeating said action in the future... but I for one do not want to live in a world where no one feels remorse about anything... EVER...
Kate
Johne, to answer your question under mine, no regrets at all; it's pointless having regrets in my opinion; just learn from the mistakes and move on. :)
Thank you, Kate. I like your last post. And honestly in my opinion I do have
some regrets but I'm not miserable. I have feelings and emotions, and I have a
conscience, so I recognize when I make mistakes. Regrest doesn't necessarilly
have to be negative. It's perfectly natural to ask yourself "what if" in your life. I
think that when we do something wrong and we feel the consequences is when
we come to wonder or feel a tinge of regret.
Frankly, I don't believe anyone past the age of 20 who says they have no regrets at all. They are either lying to whomever they tell that to or lying to themselves.
Having said that, as I stated in an earlier post, there is a difference between having real regrets and just wondering how things might have been different if a different decision had been made, and I don't believe there is anything wrong with wondering as long as you don't second guess every decision you've ever made and let that kind of thinking take over your life.
Rachel, your last post expresses exactly how I feel, that, of course we all make mistakes, but learning from them and moving on, is much more practical than having regrets.
Nothing wrong with regrets, it's what you do with them.
For example, I may regret posting this entry, but I'm gona do it anyway.
Bob
Please understand that the present I have now is far better than I could have hoped for at one time. There are still some things for which I have to attone in my own way, but I think I’m finally moving in the right direction. I have my family, my friends, a good job that makes me generally happy even if it doesn’t pay a king’s ransom. Twelve years ago I could never have dreamed that life would be this easy again; it had not been since I was 23. But I don’t think I’ll ever really be free of the what-ifs, largely because in some ways the price I had to pay to get back the relative peace of mind I now have was higher than I would’ve liked to pay. You can think me odd or not; I’m not sure how much I actually care, but at the time, for all that I was only 25, I knew how things would turn out if I stayed where I didn’t want to be. I knew I’d get in over my head. I knew how much I would eventually come to hate what I was doing because I discovered I had no real love for it in the first place. But at the time I simply had no real way of explaining it adequately to other people. How do you express that on some deep internal level, there are some things you just know? How do you tell someone this isn’t working and never really will because you’re just not the person you thought you were or that others thought you should be? And all the while, you fight it. Maybe things will get better. Maybe you’ll come to love it in time, or at least tolerate it. You’ll get better, do better, be more competent, prove that others’ expectations of you were justified. Instead, things keep going wrong. Or at best they never really get better. On your good days you’re running in place; in your worst moments you’re drowning and slowly building up bitterness toward those you perceive put you in a position where you couldn’t break out easily. In the end you completely destroy the false edifice you’ve built up over the years because there simply is no other way. It’s either that or voluntarily commit yourself to the laugh house. Or maybe you take a far more drastic and tragic step, and that was never an option for me. And when you do it the way I did, you don’t get away un-scarred unless you absolutely positively don’t give two shits about the people closest to you. You fall off the pedestal they put you on. You destroyed their faith in you. Or at least you’ve left it battered and bruised to the point where it could take years to recover. You lose people, and you don’t know how to make things right. In the end you slowly begin to rebuild because the other choices you’ve got are just too stark. You do have to move on. You have to live with the decisions you ultimately made. You have to accept that there are some things you just can’t fix. Maybe in the end you also discover some new strengths you never knew you had, or knew you had at some point but forgot about a long, long time ago now. You’ll be happy again if you play your cards right, but that happiness is always tempered by the realization that you could have done better. You wouldn’t have the JD, but then you wouldn’t have the stigma of knowing how badly you messed up; how much you failed to meet others’ expectations. And, by the way, how much you made yourself a prisoner of those expectations. Knowing that I wasn’t strong enough to turn things around when I should have, knowing that I was not nearly eloquent enough back then to explain my point of view, these are things that still bother me to this day. Undeniably I learned some valuable lessons, but to say that I would do it the same way if I had it to do over again, the answer for me has to be no.
Like Becky, one of my what ifs would be staying on a special blind school, instead of moving out to mainstreem school, by my own choice at the age of 9. Do i regret the decision? no, but i do wonder from time to time, what it will be if i stay on, having a bunch of close blind friends, do things that blind people do, and perhaps live a life like a blind people, instead of living a life in between blind and sighted, and trying to find my stand in both. I'm the outcast for most blind people, but i'm also the outcast for most sighted people too.
Am i living a sorrow life? Absolutely not. I have a few blind close friends that are special in my life. If i do stay on a blind school, i may not get to where i am, living independently in another country away from my family all by myself, having an education that i was rather hunger for, and be a person i wanted to be.
Johndy, beautiful post. Are you positive you are not a bard?
Your post really describes in its own way, my exodus from religion. I can't blame others for what I allowed myself to be duped into. But I also value some close relationships enough that I won't do something to damage them.
Ironically, unlike many religious people, I am just not that one-dimensional. Fortunately, neither are the people closest to me who no doubt have their concerns at times.
This exodus is made a lot easier now that I don't live in Florida and don't have a little girl and a circle of critical peer parents looking on.
A lot of people have astoundingly difficult situations when it comes to making things right.
I look at it like this: Without regrets, I can't actively select for and against things, I can't actively participate in my own evolution.
The thing I wonder about the most nowadays was what would have happened, or rather where I would be right now if I hadn't decided to go in to college as a full time student. Along with my experiences with religion I simply went to college for the career I want to do, along with what everyone else was saying about how great it would be if I went to college. Everything has a catch though. It doesn't come cheap, you have to deal with more years of useless stuff that you all ready learned in high school, and it doesn't guarantee that you will have an easy time if you finish. I've discovered that I am more prepared to get my ass moving in the work world. I'm tired of reading and researching about these topics that I don't care about. School gets old after being in it since the age of three, and I don't plan to be a doctor. It isn't for everyone. Plus due to the networks and people that I know, I'm honestly not worried that I won't end up doing something that I enjoy. I'm ready for whatever life has in store for me next.
Ryan, there is no certain in college. What i can say with that is, what you learn, read and research might seems useless to you right now, but down the track, its rather useful. Unless its very specific skills and knowledge, if not, most of the skills and general knowledge you get from college is transferable to other field, and other career pathways as well. Of course, i'm not talking about specialise stuff like medicine, engineering, law etc.
I got my masters in psychology and decided I didn't like it. (Well, I'm kinda slow at times.)
So I became a computer programmer.
However, I've used the skills I learned in college every day since then. Unless your family is in danger of starving, going to college, in my book, is a no brainer.
Bob
Hmm, well, Bob, i'm in that kind of cross road at the moment. I love psychology, and learning on human behaviour, but i'm sick and tired of doing research for other people, but not for myself. I want to do my own research, not what some people wanting me to do parts of their research for them, so that they can get famous and so on.
Yes, i'm kind of out grown my study. lol
It doesn't sound to me like you've outgrown your study, it sounds like you would just like to get credit for it.
The problem I had with psychology was that I had always thought I would go into counseling, and I didn't really like hearing people's problems.
I did love the research though. Asking the questions, and finding a small piece of the answer was exciting for me. But the pay sucked.
Bob
I hope I'm not going off topic, but since Ryan brought his story up, I have to add my two cents.
college isn't for everyone, and it's a shame that most people encourage one another to go that route, rather than telling them that there are, indeed, other ways to successfully make it in the world.
Leo, thanks for those good words. And I also agree with that last posting; college is not for everyone, and as a society we lately don't encourage anything outside of college. Were I born sighted, if I couldn't have been a musician, I probably would've driven a truck.
I would've been a pilot.
I probably woulda been a dirty old man.
regrets? yes. i have a few. i often medate on the what if's of my life. what if i had refused to recolate to texas when i was a junior in high school? what if i had not eaten so much candy, drank sodas, and smoked cig's? so yes i often think of the what if's in my life. it is healthy to do so. you can gage your personal growth. you can expand yo brain too. its what i do. i look back. think about the road less traveled, or not traveled. it promotes growth and introspection is so so so good for the soul! yea, baby!
Anybody remember the episode of Star Trek Next Generation, where Captain Picard was taken by Q to see what would have happened if he had not gotten into the fight that damaged his heart when he was younger?
That was truly an exercise, one in which he saw that a foolish and costly mistake only proved he had the personality and ambition to be the leader of the most powerful starship in the federation.
I'll admit there are regrets for things I have done to other people. Then there are times where I simply wonder about the road not taken. And sometimes, although some choices might have seemed appealing I do wonder if things would have turned out a lot more dreary than they have now.
What would have happened if I had remained in music in the mid 90s, not lost all my clients to floods, not had a reason to get into the technology industry?
Choices, lifestyle and career and other things, really do change us. Neuroplasticity is a very real aspect of what we are.
I have, and I always will, find the topic of the road(s) not taken to be fascinating. But as my wife says, my imagination never quits.
That's why I can't agree with Godzilla. In a way, in a virtual sense, we can sort of live the road we didn't take, in our minds and see where it might logically have led us.
Bob, you are a dirty old man, so I'm afraid you'll have to live with that, my friend. embrace it, though. I sure do.
Sure, I love it.
By the way, Chelsea, what are you doing later this evening?
Bob
hahaha Bob.
I think regrets can be healthy. Is the matter of how we deal with regrets, either we let those damn thing take over us, our life, or we ponder on them from time to time.
If they end up taking over our lives, I think it's like anything. You can wallow in them or you can allow them to take over your life in a constructive way. What I learned from the law school debacle is that I have to be more proactive and say what it is that I want; not allow myself to get talked into things I know are a bad idea. I still have some work to do on that, by the way, but I'm learning.
PinaColada, what are you doing later? (Just maintaining my reputation.)
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been born blind. However, that's a path that leads to self pity, I think, so I don't let myself do it much.
Bob, i'm quite free later, what are you suggesting? :P
I would like to think that if i'm not blind, i'll have a totally different life. Knowing me, i would have perhaps end up a party girl, driving everyware and anyware once i'm legally allow to drive, a little bit wild and daring, and who knows what? i would have perhaps living a very ordinary life, married and have bunch of kids and playing house etc etc, instead of having all sorts of adventures like i do.
Hmm, after thoughts Bob, i might be too old for you. Considering your last girl over here is like what, around 20... lol
Pina, may I call you Pina? It sounds so ... And, please don't mention that girl. How was I to know she was only fourteen? Anyway, my lawyers said not to talk about that.
Seriously, it's fun to speculate, to figure out what you gained from some experience that seemed useless at the time. John talks about his law school debocle, but I think if he thought about it, he would find all kinds of knowledge he gained while screwing things up.
While studying psychology, a skill I would never use professionally, I discovered statistics, research methodology, and abstract algebra. These were all skills I would use, in some form or another, as a computer programmer.
Bob (druling away at the old folks home)
Lots of times what I get out of things is people discovering I was once an attorney and wanting to ask me legal questions. I don't answer legal questions. Period.
My main regret, and it is a healthy one, is instead of going back in to my marriage for the second time, I should have understood it was finished.
I don't regret the time spent, because, I did have much pleasure during the short second period, it just wasn't smart to have done it that way.
I have others, but this one mostly affects my current life, or did for a bit.
Learned though.
Now, if I had remained sighted!
Bob, what are you doing later? I'll come buy and help with your women!
Ah yeah, the good old famous statements that relate to your profession. When people learn that i'm doing psychology, the top 3 questions will be "you can read my mind then? You know what i'm thinking? How do i feel now?" Honestly, i don't give a damn on what you are thinking, or feeling, unless you are within my close friends circle.
Ah yeah, research methods and statistic is indeed something that we'll use in one way or another. Also, human behaviourr etc etc too.
And yes old Bob, you can call me pina. :)
Jo, I am so digressing, but is your username because you like the drink? :)
hahahaha, sort of. If i need to choose one cocktail, it might be it. :)
Oh Pina--wonder if that name is Freudian somehow--I didn't know you were in psychology.
Do you know what's on my mind? "You dirty girl, watch your language."
Sure Wayne You can come by, but what makes you think they're all gona be ladies?
Okay, there has to be a way back to the original topic.
I use to have a mantra I spoke when asked about my blindness: I use to say, "there's only two things I miss about being blind, not being able to read what I want, and not being able to drive."
That was before the internet, bookshare and bard and gutenberg. That was also before google cars etc. Maybe if you live long enough your dreams will come true.
Bob
Smile.
Made me laugh as usual.
Sorry this is off topic, but in response to post 51: How many psychologists does
it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the light bulb's really got to want to
change.
Hahaha, good one Ed. i should draw that as my "psycho" statement lol.
hmm, old bob, who got a dirty mind? me or you, you dirty old boy. grins.
Yes, i think, if anything else, that will be perhaps the two ting i missed the most. Not able to read and drive. Not just read, but read what i want, when i want, where i want. Not restricted by someone turning them to some accessible format, or EFormat either. As far as Google car is concern, well, maybe if i have the psychyc to win a loto, then i'll take you for a drive old Bob.
Might want to pass on that Bob. You do want to live to see a few more dreams, now don't you?
Uh yea, thanks but no thanks Pina.
Of course you can drive over to my house any time you want....
Question: how many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: It can't be done. That's a hardware problem.
Bob